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2005-03-13T01:42:00.000+08:00

well what a day...TimeOut! pretty good event...thought i could cut it as a team leader...in the end...proved wrong. well i got all the qualities of a BAD team leader : indecisiveness, wrong frequency with everyone else, dunno what to do at all(yeah, despite all the briefings), and oh yeah, more indecisiveness. led my group to only God knows where, lost team members, late, had to wear that paper bag and all those stuff...only shows how lousy i am...even worse...got lost and had to call for directions...in the end missed the keyfinding event. yeah...we supposed to go there to find the keys and rescue some captives. by the time we reached there, key found, captives rescued, mission accomplished and highfives and pats on the back already given out. yeah, its that stupid team leader who cant make decisions, cant get the group moving, cant speak loud enough...yeah its all his fault.
not to mention gospel-sharing-time. who ever thought that me could share gospel? what a mistake. screwed up the whole thing, whole time didnt know what i talking abt...what gospel is that? probably sent a few lives to hell and not pointed those souls heavenward. sigh...sometimes i wonder WHAT i can do other than slack. cant even manage my prayer life or Word life properly. and u want me to go out there? and screw up more lives?

2005-03-01T01:49:00.000+08:00

there's a saying that grace is getting what you don't deserve. i can't agree more as to how true it is. for my o level results are simply grace. i wonder how i got a score of 14 for my L1R5. considering that i scored 21 for my prelims, that's nothing short of a miracle. yes, it must have been a miracle. of course, it isn't really that good. but given the effort i put in, well, it IS a miracle. and i thank God for that, He's the only who can make miracles, the only One who made something out of nothing.

sometimes as i read other blogs, i wonder if i should simply forget about my time in gm. forget about all the people there. burn their contacts. delete them from my address book. and start afresh in jc. in fact, i wonder if i've any friends at all. u can say i'm jealous, i'm too full of my self. what ever. i just feel that my 4 years have been wasted. yeah. sometimes i feel my entire life's been wasted. what for study so hard? in the end i still fail my exams. my parents will never be satisfied with my results because there's always someone who scored better than me. they will never see what i need or what i want. they only see their needs and wants. so? my entire life has simply been an endless cycle of study, play eat. study, play, eat. what for continue with this stupid life? it's got no meaning for me anymore.so what if i'm a 6-pointer? no matter which jc or poly i go, the same will occur. study, eat sleep. study, eat, sleep. i hate this life. somebody kill me.

2005-02-28T08:59:00.000+08:00

well, the Day has come. in just a couple hours time i'm going to receive my results along with about 50,000 more students my age. yet i feel funny. a little nervous, but more of "let's get this over and done with". i don't know why i feel this way. yeah. i know. i screwed it all up. big time. but what can i do? at this point its too late to do anything. i can only wait for the results to come, like lambs to the slaughter. yeah, i'm kind of feeling down also. wonder why; mood swings? seems everyone has them, whether it be nyjc or ijc.

so i guess that my time in ijc is up. just 2 months there have changed my attitude to that place. "that" is no longer spoken with derision but with a kind of fondness. yea its far but i've gotten used to it. its going to be a nice place(not finished construction yet). the tutors are quite good, mostly. pity i'll probably be leaving. otherwise it would be a nice place to spend 2 years in.

dont really feel like blogging now. i'll update later with my results.

2005-02-06T23:02:00.000+08:00

well this week's finally over...siong week...nice week where i finally broke e wednesday curse...somehow seems last few weeks wednesdays always got some reason then cant come...super crazy week...3 tests...well its actually 2 cuz i missed school on fri...and 1S08 i DIDNT skip...darn alarm clock didnt ring scold that thing claim mc from it...wadever...
still groaning from aches attributed to that rifle! yeah! haha went on wednesday still recovering and also pe...teletubby hill again...
thinking back realised many ppl got false impressions of me...some ppl think that cuz i join shooting means i'm a sniper or what...haha well thats not the case...i'm not that good...YET.
life in innova is pretty ok...fun if u dont count the lectures which can be boring sometimes...and aircon spoiled on thurs...HOT in the LTs...almost sweating...and somehow some people still wearing jackets...they must be really outta their minds...PE actually rather fun if u skip on afternoons(thats the serious torturing) but at least when they say run 5 rounds around teletubby hill they run with u...and when they say 60 pumping they do with u...pretty good...what else? people there not bad...1S08 isnt bad and food is not that good...

2005-01-31T20:22:00.000+08:00

sick...3 tests...one down...maths...still got bio and physics. the workloads so hard, i'm up to my ears in tutorials...as of now i've got like 5 tutorials smiling at me and 2 tests waiting menacingly...and in the space of one week already had 2 headaches(the kind that makes u want to die)...been popping panadols like mad...why i keep falling sick? workload too tough? travel time too long? or issit just bad air at woodlands? my body certainly doesnt agree with jc life...thats my conclusion...
on the other hand, i did make new friends...including one from my primary school...but i still miss secondary school...the good'ol days when we were still together...cant forget the clowns-to-be...hope u two still clowning around and bringing laughter to ur CGs...well...dinner awaits...ravenous...after that gotta tackle more tutorials...so long...

2005-01-22T01:31:00.000+08:00

well its been three weeks...definitely not the easiest three weeks...dramatic changes...new friends...have to wake early...go home late...workload is sick...what can i say? jc life isnt a bed of roses. thats my conclusion. simple and everyone knows but now i KNOW. now i starting to regret a little taking biology...its the most taxing of all my subjects, content-heavy and hard to understand...in a way i envy those who dont take bio. and my timetable is packed fully. i think bio people doing 3As are second in stress level only to those who take 4As...well me definitely has a shorter fuse and memory getting poor. and strangely i started to avoid carbonated drinks... i wonder why?
anyway we got less ILTs now...now every free moment is treasured and anticipated to catch up on rest and tutorials. in a way its more enjoyable cuz of the shift away from a more rigid curriculum...but also means i gotta be more responsible...which is quite hard cuz i'm tempted to catch up on sleep and not work...especially if my CG all want to sleep...its hard to stay awake either...guess sleepiness is contagious i must research on it in the future.
now the main prob is that my schools still not done...dustbins are far and few in between...and lots of mosquitoes...but theres a gentle hill beside my sch which we call the teletubby hill...cuz it looks like the teletubbies house...but other than that nothing much interesting at innova...students are tired...teachers are boring...good thing got this thing called weekends...
haha somehow managed to gather enough energy to go play pool wth junliang keith and brendan...keith and brendan real pros...i have nothing to say...i will just shut up...so tired...still miss good pasta...at least pasta that tastes like pasta...*yawn*...tired...z....sleep...z z...sleeeeeep...z z z...z z z z.....

2005-01-12T23:04:00.000+08:00

third day into lecture week...bloody boring. so many free periods, which our dearest principal insists on calling Individual Learning Time(ILT) even though everyone knows everyone will just slack and stone during free periods. timetable really poorly planned...i ended up with 3 and a half hours of free period on tuesday and only going for 2 lessons on friday...so many free periods bored so go canteen and eat...hope to grow fatter...
still i know this time next week i wont be bored of being bored...but rather bored with being so busy...tutorials start next week...now suddenly starting to regret taking biology...super hard...last time is can understand all...now i can only understand about 3/4 of it...really, really difficult...now i know why people advice me not to take biology...but doesnt matter...i made the choice...i'll pay the consequences...
new class...seperate from all my OG friends and also my GM friends(although none went to IJC in the first place). kinda uncomfortable in a new environment...but thats only for a while...hope i get to know my classmates soon...people of 1S08...know a couple(of people) frm arts stream also...this girl called sutiean(the punk hair on campfire nite!) and someone elses name whom i forgot...
well kinda its a chance to start anew i guess...new environment...new people...new chance to live as a light...but sometimes its so hard...in the sunshine, sure, its easy to see God but wait till when the storms come...crashing thunder...cold rain...dark and gloomy...seeing God is a lot harder...i wonder how i will hold on to Him...lots of chaos in my life right now...its almost like my life is collapsing around me. which isnt much of a surprise...seeing how i screw up most things that i set out to do...well...only one word to describe how i feel right now: jaded. pretty much given up on life...just obeying and waiting for my death...

2005-01-10T01:18:00.000+08:00

well...end of the first week. my only comment is: really tiring. its not easy to wake up at 5am in the morning daily and travel for like 1 hr 30 mins just to get to school...actually the orientation is quite nice...but i was just so tired that i couldnt enjoy much of it...and then also my OG all like to keep a low profile, so when other people bomb each other we just shut up and avoid...which we did.
1st day was just some group games...we did pretty well, won most of them...remember the best one is where one side got 5 people piggyback another 5...then the person who is being piggybacked have to guide the piggybacker(whos blindfolded) meanwhile the other team send out 5 people who have to avoid being caught...haha...me was last survivor cuz i keep sliding under their arms!(my shoes wearing out liao) but then the others okok only...then also made our flag - a superugly thing that was meant for the dustbin...then they give us the paint in the plastic cups...and the paint dissolved(or reacted cuz i not sure) away the cup and it just collapsed and spilled paint onto the newspapers on the ground...that was first day...went home...ate dinner...MSNed awhile about 30 mins...then hit the deck and zzz immediately...
tues also quite boring...spent e whole morning getting advice on combi choices...then submitted...had no lunch cuz i donated all my money to e tsunami donation thingy(yea innovians supposed to have compassion)...then tried e mass dance...after that had some telematch...got one is transfer different kinds of balls from one end to another...but cant use hands so my group used mouth! yes it was like mouth-to-mouth! and me so suay(i volunteered) at the back so i like taking 8 people's saliva...ended earlier a little...slept a little more...
3rd day started with some funny TAR kind of game...then cant jaywalk so inconvenient...and then only one girl on our group...then she dun want to run...so we all walk...somehow we made it into the top 15 i think...then mass dance again...then we discussed what we perform for campfire nite on fri...left quite late too...made it to prayer gathering...reached home around 11+ slept immediately...
thursday in the morning was mass dance...we mastered it! then we had lunch and then played some war games...where u gotta carry helium balloons to the other hand to float something...in between got lines of enemy defenders...haha at first discuss what 2 ppl go centre 4 go left 4 go right...in the end just chiong so easy...just fake them then their lines break and run thru...got one i even walk thru cuz their hole in the line is huge...tired also...had dinner then slept like a pig...
friday the best...our performance was getting sticks and hit the chairs kind of thing...haha we practice went quite well...then go on stage got lots of echoes and then we all lose coordination and just any-o-how hit the chairs...somehow we won the best performance...dunno how...
well thats basically my orientation...actually i think it should be quite nice...but i was pretty tired cuz every morning wake up so early so i didnt fully enjoy...well gotta wake at 0445am on monday morning which is around 3 hours from now...owl instinct kicking in...nitez

2005-01-02T22:44:00.000+08:00

new year, new begginings...tml i'm going to that school in woodlands...long journey ahead...wonder what time i'll reach home...well...who cares...God sent me there...i'll find out what He wants me to do and do it...just hoped He'll be pleased...cuz i seem to screw up everything these few days...so sad...welcomed this year with death, death and more death...e tsunami and earthquake thingy and two sisters(no blood relation) from my church have lost a grandfather and a mother...so sad...the new year's barely began and more have died...well...at least there're people being born...so it isnt so sad anymore...
thinking about the tsunami...i realise how frail the average human is...sure we can tame chickens, cats, dogs and lots of other animals...we can go to space...we can make wars and kill each other...but we'll never be as efficient killers as nature...on the other hand, we'll also never be as efficient restorers(if there's such a word) as nature...just makes me wonder why God would bother with such insignificant beings...if we sinned in the first place, why bother to die for us on the cross, bother to go through all the scourging, rejection and pain? why not just whipe out the entire universe and restart? surely He had the power to do that...and now again and again i come back to the only answer, the most simple truth that one can find and own: He loves us. Thank You.

2004-12-31T00:29:00.000+08:00

so i really was correct...the death toll would go above 100,000 so sad that i'm correct...cant imagine how many families are grieving...i think many families are totally killed off...thats how deadly it is...cant imagine the magnitude of this disaster also...really reminded me that in the end no matter the debates about which new-generation fighter or tank or gun is better...in the end only nature can cause destruction on such a large scale...its really the silent killer...i think it's killed more people than all the wars and accidents combined...
sometimes i wonder how come good'ole s'pore didnt get hit...i think in some ways we deserve it. at least logistically and infrastucture-wise, we can handle it...and i think many s'poreans need a wakeup call...s'poreans nowadays think they own everything...sometimes i feel ashamed when i hear tourists shake their heads and go 'tsk tsk'...i wonder if this is how we act outside singapore...a raging tsunami smashing everything in its path would really show them how small they are...how weak and insignificant people...

2004-12-28T01:22:00.000+08:00

havent been updating for some time...well yesterday there was a richter 9.0(!) earthquake somewhere off aceh...and it generated massive tsunamis which pummeled the coasts of india, sri lanka, phuket, indonesia, malaysia and duno where else...at least count more than 11,000 confirmed dead...miraculously few already, considering that an earthquake of this magnitude typically releases more energy then the world's nuclear and non-nuclear arsenal COMBINED...still, many affected are fisherman or farmers...poor people...unless the UN gets its act together(unlike all its screwups in the last few months) lots more will die...fortunately aid operations arent easy to screwup...the key thing is making sure there isnt a massive scramble for food...thats up to the aid workers...lets keep those survivors in prayer...

anyway on to more local affairs...thurs afternoon was happily eating my cheng tng(or wadever its called) when i looked into the spoonful of soup and saw...A SPIDER!!!! a huge one at that!!! well...when it finds its way into your soup...it will invariably look big...thats because the soup will refract light...and also fear will make it look bigger...so guys...if you're at a coffeeshop called A-Plus coffee shop...beware of the dessert stall...

okok...my bro wanna use comp...thats all for today...

2004-11-29T01:02:00.000+08:00

going to christocentric tml! finally the day has arrived...almost ready liao...camp bulletin only needs to write down theme verse...and all my stuff ready except i havent pack into bag...by the time u read this most probably me is at christocentric...last till wed...hehe...will spend lots of time with e book...better not forget...what an irony if i go for a church camp and forget my Bible...dunno others will laugh or kill me...or maybe they will laugh THEN kill me...

gotta sleep...sorry sister winnie...have to renege on my promise to sleep early...cuz lots of things to pack...then suddenly found my sleeping bag...paiseh...going to sleep now...

2004-11-28T01:46:00.000+08:00

holidays...relax...slack...and waste money...been going out since wednesday...no more money! partyly cuz i bought lots of stuff to make e camp bulletin...but in the end still screwed up the whole thing...lucky for personal consumption only...feel like just spending the day at home...dun want to go service...but i know my conscience being stabbed by an angel...so must go...will go...now just waiting for the weekend to end and for next week to come...christocentric camp and class chalet!

christo camp sure very sure...2 sessions daily...3(or more) hours each...continuous...siao...but thats a challenge...just hope that it isnt too draining...otherwise the people at e class chalet will wonder where i've gone(or where i HAVENT gone)...haha...but i think it will be fun...havent spent such a long time together with my four GM foundation ppl...3d2n...and sleeping bagsto boot! haha...better go disinfect later...havent used since sec 3 camp i think...hha...thinking back sec 3 camp...so fun...wish it could last forever...now i feel more lonely than ever...buddy going to new zealand...so lucky...and he still complain! if i could go overseas i'd be so happy...well...haha...last few days everyday go guilin...haha...events...solitude...YF...tml service...really dun feel lik going...so tired and still need to prepare for christo camp...so many things to pack...maybe i should just bring 2 sets of clothing...one for sleeping and one for day wear...haha...

anyway comp just kenna some funny little virus which messes around with passwords and userids...u type e correct one then they will find a word from somewhere else in ur comp and put in place of ur userid...lucky could go messenger cuz i set auto signin...thnx to norton i got rid of it...and now quarantine my comp till tml...no sending email or files...anyway to whom it may concern pls delete all email from me in e recent days....

okay now gotta end cuz mother nagging at me to sleep...so thats it for today...

2004-11-25T23:14:00.000+08:00

ever seen a bored weichuan? too bad i dun have a good camera to take a pic of myself...slouching in the chair with the classic "i'm bored" face...even resorting to playing yahoo word games...now parents watching the taiwan thunderbolt...this liu wen cong guy wanna commit suicide...haha

crossworlds today at guilin...and me anxiously waiting for christocentric camp...and f4/3 class chalet...these few days so boring(turns out he didnt kill himself) and i running outta cash cuz tues played LAN overboard and bought jieshuns present...well...the present was worth it...the LAN...too much...should have played less...

anyway crossworlds today we learnt to make sushi...haha but me dislike japanese food so didnt eat...and the vinegar smell so strong...the whole place stank of vinegar and we had to air the whole place...open the windows that were behind e OHP screen...now then i realise that our humble little church got a window! turns out me is so NOT observant...what to do? this is obviously too small a thing to commit suicide over...

and that guowei...just like i once was...the "seeing is believing" kind of person...but hes very passionate abt his stand...and me and franz had a hard time cracking his shell(we didnt). and me so useless...end up from sharing gospel to arguing with him...what a useless fool...that wc...he sucks...and so irritating. what an arse!

yup...thats abt how i feel...useless and out of place in this alien world...haha maybe i should go and sign up for nasa's astronaut programme and then go mars or something...leave this stupid place behind...and all my worries sorrows and fears...

2004-11-22T10:20:00.000+08:00

here i am at home...right after o levels...yes it has ended! but yet...this time, freedom brings with it a tinge of sadness...knowing that we probably wont see each other again for a long time...even as i walked into the school this morning, i suddenly realised that it was the last time i entered the school as a student...the last time i wore the uniform as a student...probably the last time we all shared our joy(or suffered) together for the last paper...

thinking back to when i entered the school...everyone was so foreign...everything so strange...i thought i would hate secondary life...would savour the moment when i left school...but now, everything's changed...

(this is dedicated to all who have walked in and out of my life in the past 4 years)
i know sometimes i brought u sorrow and (hopefully) joy but thnx for being patient with me and my stubborn hot tempered self...spending 4 years with me must have been tough, haha...thnx for all your counsel even though many times i rejected them...thnx for your company when i was lonely...thnx for sharing your joy with me and making me happy...though u may not think much abt it...but i really appreciate all the things u've done for me...

well...to all my friends...even though u probably wont see this...even though u probably just find me an irritating bugger and wont miss me...i'll miss you all...

2004-11-21T01:08:00.000+08:00

i'm so careless...lost my phone within 3 weeks...3 weeks! anyway thnx to victor, jieshun and junliang...went all the way to bedok and then later to clementi...across e island. and even willing to wait for that starhub-ad-covered bus which i dropped my phone in. anyway our efforts in vain...someone took it i guess...

well...what comes around goes around...that phone was picked up by my parents too...so its free...and the card left only 4 dollars or so...so no great loss...but wonder when or IF i will ever get one again...probably not i guess...me so careless...lost so many things...why havent lost myself yet? maybe if i lose myself there'll be world peace...as the ms universe contestants always work for but have never achieved...

anyway one more paper...really don't want to study...parents keep telling me that its e last paper...but so what? i'm running out of strength,motivation and desire to study...really...me is about to break...my parents are driving me insane! probably about 5 minutes after i finish this entry...they'l again ask if i'm studying...for the 20(or so)th time today...running outta steam...i just want to rest...to relax...not have the weight and worry of my future resting on me....it's such a heavy burden...i can't breathe anymore...it's all e education systems fault...yeah...our birthrates are falling cuz of education...but nt because more ppl focusing on careers...but because they see the system and think "no kid shld go thru this" and they don't have kids...thats the real reason...

yesterday was touched when i received back an email which i sent to some ppl...never gotten back a mail before...and didnt expect to...haha...corners of my eyes went damp...yeah...call me a crybaby...emotional...wadever...was very touched

2004-11-13T13:17:00.000+08:00

okay...so word's out that there is something wrong with e bio paper...that stupid graph wasn't a figment of our imaginations...but a fact of reality! to rejoice or not? well...thing is...i don't really care anymore...in the end...the final decision lies with the education ministry...so if they decide to declare the whole paper invalid and give us all ungraded for bio...well...thats too bad....

just hope that they will make us resit the entire paper...most fair...otherwise if they cancel the question...not fair to those who studied everything...but if they give full marks for e question...they those who never studied aren't getting what they deserved...thats my reasons...anyway...realised my attitude towards this whole thing was wrong...so proud...must have sounded like a spoilt brat. even if they are old and blind(and likely because they are old and blind), doesnt mean they cant make mistakes...even if they are supposed to check the paper till they can memorise every word in it...doesnt give me the right to condemn them for a mistake...well...they ARE humans, albeit very old ones...guess i've repented...

anyway...arafat is finally dead after two weeks of severe illness...so what will israel do? remains to be seen...they might just invade palestine and take over the whole place(which probably is what they want to do) but then world opinion might turn against them...well...i wonder of his death will bring peace or chaos to the middle east...

2004-11-07T01:43:00.000+08:00

mug mug mug...thats the motto for students these days...so many subjects to study that we can't cope...how to be all-rounders when we only have time to eat and study? who bothers about CIP whehn it doesnt show up on the cert? someone tell them: IT'S KILLING THE KIDS!

yes...me is spending all day studying...all because of o-levels...whats the obsession with results? oh yeah, because it's gonna determine our futures. if our northern neighbours decide they don't want to tolerate us anymore, well, i can only say that o-level certs have never stopped bullets...and neither will phds...

okay...anymore about studies and i will die...or commit suicide...watched with interest the american elections...well bush won again...what can i say? i admit i support kerry, but well, anyone's better than bush...guess he's gonna continue with his 'democratisation' of iraq and afghanistan...but this begs one question, mr bush, in two peoples who have been living for decades and even centuries under absolute, authoritian rule with no choice whatsoever, are the iraqis and afgans mature enough as a populace to make decisions that can affect their country when they have no experience before? i know u wish to pull out...but u've pretty much screwed them up but turning their worlds upside down and throwing them in the deep end...just don't leave them there...

anyway people...guess i owe all of u an apology...must be been pretty much of an arse...yes...thats the word...thats me...muz say sorry for being so temperemental and buay hiao bai...sorry...also must have been selfish and only looked out for myself...sorry sorry...wish i can repent but as it seems that our time together is effectively over, seems too late liao...to seemun, junliang, victor, jieshun, shuyi and brendan...thnx for being so tolerant...really want to apologise

2004-11-04T15:17:00.000+08:00

okay...a little behind the times...the euros are over, and so are the olympics...and the presidential race just ended with bush winning...argh...that guy...i rather the bush(on topo maps) to be president...at least they just stand(or sit or whatever) at the same spot everyday...dun make a sound...dun start wars on feeble excuses of WMDs and then al-qaeda links or whatever...and even if they dun create jobs...at least they dun screw up the economy...okay...anyway this whole election is stupid...what kerry and bush basically saying is to vote for them not because of what they can do...but because they're better then the other...stupid reasons...are americans that stupid? i cant believe it...
well, anyway i've shifted to my new home...and now major exams and i still dun feel the pressure...scary...what can i do? exams are stupid...if s'pore wants to us to be creative, then let us set our own exams! or at least less theory-based...stupid stupid stupid...me also stupid...ten-year-series got so many problems for me to solve and stupid me still talking about stupid things in stupid america...yup...i'm stupid, i'm an idiot...dunno how to study, dunno how to bring peace to the world...dunno how to do anything...life sucks...well...even if i dunno how to study...i should at least try to...then i can answer to myself...to my parents...to whoever asks why my results so poor...one last thing...finally turned 16...recently so many good nc-16 movies cant watch...all because there's more gore than usual...

2004-06-25T15:29:00.000+08:00

arghh...england lost...lucky i fell asleep during 2nd half...never see portugal win...only a consolation i guess...haha...now at someone else's house...waiting for time to go by...and now i got a prob! having the same dream time and again...4 nites liao! can't get it out of my head! help...now i feel so confused...who i like? i dunno! and now me is waiting for something to happen before i go to sarah's bbq...haha...sianz...anyway...i guess it's pretty boring...this blog...

2004-06-22T19:24:00.000+08:00

so tired...today go EYF...only got yesterday to rest...weekends went shuyi's chalet...haha...froze the whole nite...dunno which idiot turn so low...chalet at changi there...so beautiful at nite...so quiet...so romantic...next time i must bring whoever's lucky enough to be my girlfriend there...and the bbq not bad...must say that huineng's cooking quite good...but i never eat much...i never do at bbqs...and then duno play some stupid lame games...haha...all the way until almost 4...then we had qt...slept at around 5...but i never really slept...just dozed...cuz gastric...whole nite...fun...dunno why had this strange feeling of wanting to swim...but so sad...only two days....**sigh**...wish it lasted longer...but it was rather nice...the whole place was so beautiful...so lots of things that i should see(and i saw) and a few things that i shouldnt see...very nice...but somehow...i left feeling more confused abt myself than when i entered...

2004-06-08T21:13:00.000+08:00

stupid day...idiot richard chia...why did he have to zap my essay? and for her whole class some more! argh...so now my secret is out cuz i went crazy during midyear...well...whole day been sniped at by various teachers...and after that went to eat mac...arrived just as they closed...so pissed...so now what? wonder if i should tell her...she probably knows by now...should i just muster what little courage i have left and tell her? and hope that it doesnt wreck whatever friendship that we have? my mind is so confused...somehow i know that this is a great opportunity...but then...i'm not prepared to tell her...this is too important a time...with the Os slowly crushing us...i'm not sure...i'm just not sure...and worst of all...the people i least expected to be surprised...they laughed! and not just once...the two people i trusted...with all my secrets...you have betrayed me...in doing so...whatever trust that i had in you...its all gone...destroyed...I HATE YOU!

2004-06-06T18:40:00.000+08:00

argh...missed hillsongs! no one told me the date...argh...otherwise...fine weekend...cousin got married...hope she gets a kid soon...haha...and today had lunch with friends...every long haven't had lunch with them liao(u know who u are) thnks anyway...and now most of my church is somewhere in Port Dickson...church camp...can't believe my parents dun let me go...well...guess it's gonna be nice...**Sigh**...yet another golden opportunity flying away...a confusing weekend...really...sometimes i'm delirous with joy...other times crying out in anguish...yet other times moody or sulky...haha...dunno how people put up with me...well...i guess God sprinkled angels along our road of life so that it won't be that monotonous...yet i dunno whether it's just me or it applies to everyone...i dun seem to appreciate my angels...

2004-06-03T00:00:00.000+08:00

roasted...spent the whole day at West Coast...haha...the sun sure was happy today...now i'm totally roasted inside out...just add a little thyme and maybe some basil...roasted human! anyway pretty disgusted with myself...but cant say the reason...just think that i should just commit suicide...otherwise someday i will kill or hurt someone...anyway my tang-jie's wedding on sat! haha...wonder when will i have a new niece or nephew...haha...bad thing is...i gonna mis Friendster Day...sorry Emmaus people...mother's orders...cant even find time to run away...whole day taken up...tml school again...boring...stupid school...eat up half ours hols enough...still call it "official school term"! what kinda crap is that? lousy school...lucky i leaving in a couple of months...still can't decide whether it's a blessing or a curse...

2004-05-30T23:26:00.001+08:00

haha...dun feel like studying...so go update this again...know living at my grandpa's place cuz my new home still under renovation...not bad...nice place...hawker centre right below...everyday walk thru it on the way to school got all kinda smells...nice smells...make me so hungry...wanna eat...also i got my own room! yeah! small...but hey, i've never had my own room before...only bad thing is mosquitoes...haha...i seem to be rather tasty...or maybe just a new fad...good...dunno also...feeling all kinda things...heart a big mess...can't concentrate on work...what to do? guess i gotta be owl again...at least this time won't wake my bro up...hes got his own room too...good...i quite like this place...and quiet too...good luck to all the owls taking chinese tomorrow...hope u willdo well...good luck to you all...wish i could recommend songs for u people...haha...but i wonder which would be appropriate...maybe He will carry you? nice song and i got the chinese version...

2004-05-30T23:26:00.000+08:00

hahaz....apparently my grandad's house got internet...so here i am...anyway chinese tomorrow...the actual thing! the paper of which i have wasted exactly 3 hours of my life...yes three hours only...but i guess can't do anything now...guess gotta do better for the other papers to make up for my lousy chinese score...if i can get B4 i'll smile...and if i get b3 i'll kiss everyone in sight...but thats a big if...

2004-05-23T20:45:00.000+08:00

shifted lots of things today...whole morning just to do that...funny how my house can look like theres little things...but when you shift...seems like ur house is bigger than it appears to be...funny how we need so many things to live...when we dun really need most of them...my house still being renovated...so me is going to move to my grandpa's house 1st...nice place...but another case of so near yet so far...i can actually walk there...but then not near...and can take train...but only one stop...haha...MAYBE i will walk...

2004-05-23T01:27:00.000+08:00

shifting house...busy moving and packing things...probably won't update till end-June...byez for now...

2004-05-20T23:44:00.000+08:00

thinking back...realise that i have a few people to thank... all my good friends at GM...i realise i couldn't have survived these few years without your help...without your guidance...counsel...all the joy that u've given me(i forgotten all the sorrow and anger liao)...junliang...brendan...shuyi...seemun...binhua...amie...and the list isn't even complete...thanks for all that you've done for me...and especially for being so tolerant of my frequent and erratic outbursts of anger...guess i owe u ppl years of lunches for putting up with me...thanks people...thanks...really appreciate it...

2004-05-19T22:16:00.000+08:00

exams over! first good thing thats happened to me this week...a week that's only half over but managed to turn me from my cheery weekend mood to a very glum one...anyway finally have my freedom...but even so, the spectre of the Chinese Os looms over everything that i do...well...i guess this year there wont be an end to exams...just a brief respite between papers...anyway today watched Troy...pretty good...especially Achilles' killer move...stylo...and then spent hours in the arcade...strange thing is...dunno why...juz now depressed or something...didn't feel like toking much at all...lots of things to brood on...and i think only one person actually noticed my silence...but won't name that person...u know who you are...anyway thnx for your concern...at least i not so suicidal now...though still quite suicidal...anyway...life still sux...but if u wanna ask me why my template is so plain...dun ask...i won't change anyway...it's the content that matters, people, not the appearance...but it seems like the world is advocating the exact opposite

2004-05-18T23:38:00.000+08:00

Life absolutely SUCKS. study life sucks. family life sucks. love life...well, i don't have one...so the good thing is that it can't suck. haha...anyway lots of wounds in my heart...i think i'm gonne bleed to death...i don't think i will pass the exams this time...studied so hard...spent so much time...i the end, it doesn't matter...i've given up on exams...i've given up on myself...given up on life in general...what for? i suceed in NOTHING that i do...what a loser...even my english going from bad to worse...life really, really sucks...and i don't even have any confidence in passing exams...if some guy were to point a pistol at me...i'll tell him to fire...make it a clean shot...rather die than live this stupid life...so sad...studied so hard but gonna fail anyway...sorry God...

2004-05-17T21:57:00.000+08:00

all the sun has gone out of my life...now i feel like an empty ship, wandering around in hostile waters...either i meet with the perfect storm...or u-571...and i'm not sure where i'm drifting...all i know is i've not sunk yet...all i know is i'm still floating...but sometimes i wonder if being at the bottom of the sea is better...at least i won't be wondering around...at least i'll have fishy friends...life has no meaning for me anymore...maybe tomorrow i won't even turn up for school...maybe i'll just commit suicide...

2004-05-14T21:57:00.000+08:00

yi shan hai you yi shan gao...that's why i'm ABOVE cloud 9! perfect day! nothing seems to have gone wrong...bio was perfect, i tell you...i wonder if i can get A1...i think at worst also B3...which ain't bad...considering that i barely studied...and today went out after bio...funny thing is...my mother scolded me cuz i didn't tell her...not cuz i went out...although she did instruct me to go straight after school...even now she's telling me to study...**sigh**...parents...think their kids are machines...can juz study forever and ever...gimme a break, will ya?

2004-05-13T22:36:00.000+08:00

dun wish to tok abt a mths...pretty much screwed up the whole paper...cancel here cancel there...so messy...and bio tml! haha...revise only for fun...bet if i take the paper without revision can still get at least B4...but i wanna get A1...so must study...

2004-05-12T22:07:00.000+08:00

e mths and physics today...haha...not too bad...but i won't say will get A1 either...now hope that e mths paper 1 also quite easy...otherwise if two maths very lousy...parents will kill me...but now i feel that exams not so bad after all...seriously...i think its better than normal lessons...dun have to worry about not handing in homework...and i think doing exam paper less boring than listening to teachers...haha...but exam season...parents keep nagging me to study...**sigh**...they think very easy to study nowadays...

2004-05-11T23:31:00.000+08:00

happy! social studies wasn't that bad...considering that i managed to turn out one complete essay...but then my gastric pain chose to start at the same time as my paper...but i managed to pull thru...anyway used to it...so its ok...anyway now no money liao...and they still wanna watch van helsing next wedesday...gotta save...payday also havent come...**Sigh**...my pay always late one...money probs...and i still dun understand the stupid lens!!!!

2004-05-10T20:11:00.000+08:00

hot hot hot...today is so hot...sweat in class...sweat on the way back...sweat in the lift...sweating in front of the computer...today so hot...last two days so rainy...weather so wierd...wonder if someone's playing tricks...i can be sure that if this continues...lots of ppl will fall sick...
anyway now fanning myself with my social studies notes...studying one stack and fanning myself with those that i've already studied...no choice...not as lucky and wasteful as those with air-con...i'm so worried about my social studies...so many things to remember...and so hard some more...muz explain some stupid factors...then infer this infer that...all i can infer is that soon i will be seeing a script with more red ink than dark blue(my pen colour)...
one more PRC! i'm so happy! my prayers are being answered like mad...haha...euphoric...cant study...now my prayer list got three spaces...filled two...left one more...so happy...cant contain my joy...buying a Bible for her 1st thing tml...

2004-05-09T22:51:00.000+08:00

burn the books and drink...so goes the saying...i think i'm gonna do that soon...desperate liao...what to do? cant fail my exams, can i? i'm so tired...so fatigued...so sick of it...but i gotta endure...cuz it'll be over next wednesday...yes...in 10 more days i will be free...240 hours...14400 minutes! but for now i still have to endure...to everyone who knows me...thnx for being so tolerant abt my irritable moods that i've been having these few days...guess i owe u all a dinner...or lunch...or breakfast...or whatever...right now i cant be bothered with studying anymore...parents screaming at me like siao...maybe i'll feel guilty in about an hour's time...or maybe i'll be asleep by then! muahahaha...very long havent toked in exclamation marks...got to go for now....

2004-05-08T22:52:00.000+08:00

tired...tired...tired...tired of exams...tired of books...tired of burning midnight oil...tired of life...stupid chinese...studied like crap for two days...not a single word came out...there goes my ten marks...there goes my chinese...at least now got less papers to go...next is social studies...another hated subject...also so hard...stress...me so cranky today...juz now went out for dinner with my aunt and cousins...hardly said a word...didn't feel like either...dunno whats wrong with me...and its not like anything bad happen today that really made me sad or angry...except chinese, that is...guess its plain old-faishioned stress...hate exams...

2004-05-07T23:26:00.000+08:00

now taking a break from chinese...so many words to remember...and its just the tip of the iceberg...guess tonite burn midnight oil again...english so bad...compre so hard...guess i gonna fail again...now i only hope to pass...thats very good liao...i'll kill whoever gets a2...if its me i will commit suicide...and the compo...got carried away and wrote like 850 words...wonder who can stand my handwriting...guess informed teachers will leave my paper for the last...either that or they avoid it like plague...haha
now i hope that my chinese can get at least b4...happy liao...it would be a massive improvement over my usual score...wont sleep before 0130

2004-05-06T21:13:00.000+08:00

"the beginning of the end" exams coming...tomorrow english...chinese on sat! and i havent even studied anything! worst thing is i lost my guidebook for the sec 4 words...what to do? guess i can only watch and fail chinese...so slack...i not even bothering to study...hope to get a2 for bio, a2 for subsciences and at least b3 for english...though i think going by the teachers' standard of marking...very hard to get...maybe i can get c5 for chinese...if i'm lucky...and then juz hope to pass add maths...thats so hard...do pass year paper first question already wrong...and second question also dunno...see liao so demoralised...whoever is reading this...now i'm very stressed and depressed...lost friendships...ppl angry at me...why they so slow to anger and quick to forgive and i'm the exact opposite?

2004-05-03T22:31:00.001+08:00

"the ultimate goal of church is not mission, it is worship. worship, not mission, is ultimate because GOd is ultimate, not man" with this statement i realise that worship is not about hearing others sing, but it is about praising God for all His grace and mercy. also with this statement i realise that if ur heart isnt aligned towards God's will, then no matter how many times u go street e, no matter how many ppl u have shared the Gospel to, no matter how many times u study the Bible, u will never truly enjoy worship...

2004-05-03T22:31:00.000+08:00

i've got a new comp!!! yeah! finally...its so fast...muahahaha...so happy...but yesterday the graphics card burn out...though comp crash...anywayz these few weeks not so good...lots of hw...exams coming...no time to study cuz of remedials...so sad...not in a mood to play comp now...and my CPU is so big...still got a digital thermometer inside some more. lame...
anywayz nothing much to say...juz that i hope these few weeks quickly pass...still got chinese Os at the end of the month...and Seowlympics only two days before that...hope i can go...hope friends can go...

2004-04-08T21:08:00.000+08:00

haiz...comp spoil...so won't be updating for a few weeks...anyway tomorrow is Good Friday...gonna go for the service
anyway...on reflection, the cross is a symbol that we can't make it ourselves...its a symbol of God's victory and truimph over sin...its also a symbol of God's humanity...so, brothers and sisters, remember that Jesus was totally divine, but He was also totally human...

2004-04-03T23:11:00.000+08:00

tired sia...today early morning wake up go school to take two tests...english and maths. english was absolutely bad...1st time i spent at least 5 mins on any of the questions and still cant find answer...and its supposed to be o level standard! might as well as not take Os then...since i gonna fail english liao...waste time studying for what? probably screwed it up anyway...by the time i did my summary...demoralised until i anyhow do...never really go and check...write 151 words when the limit is 150...but who cares...
scored a victory with Christ today! juz now went Mandai to pay respects to my grandmother...but i stubbornly refused to pray or eat anything...i guess my relatives were a little pissed...but once again, who cares...i'm so happy...delirous with joy...but then the thought of english brings down my spirits...so happy...so sad...so confused...

2004-04-02T22:36:00.000+08:00

today cross-country at matrichie...sian...run like siao...only serves to show me that i'm outta shape...PFT only about 2-3 weeks away...gotta condition myself...cant fail. good thing that came out of it was that today no lesson! cheers! no double JJ, no double theseira! and no PE(although i think its better than running 4.8km straight)
after that even watched The Gospel of John at TM...nice movie...but quite cold there...somehow i managed to burn through $15 bucks just watching the movie...dunno how i do that even though i try to save...gotta watch my wallet...it's so light nowadays...
nice thing about the movie...it really shows Jesus in a light different from what we usually see Him. it's really reminded me that Jesus is not just some divine guy who sits there in Heaven and strikes lightning when He's angry or what...He's truly a God who cares and loves us...who cares and loves us enough to be able to give up His place in Heaven to come down to this guilty sod and suffer for us. marvelous John...showing us how Jesus was incensed at His Father's house being made a temple...how He asked for a drink frm the samaritan woman...how he asked to drink even as He was dying...He's not just God, but He's fully human too...really inspiring. also surprised to see the way He preached...it wasnt a hush-hush thing to Him; He did it in the temples...in the full view of the Pharisees...but yet today we dun seem to be proud of our faith at all...its like just something else in our lives...some minor detail. but is He a minor detail?have you, in the busyness of ur life, cheapened His grace and sacrifice? think about it...

2004-04-01T21:23:00.000+08:00

so angry...so angry...but i dun even know who or what i am angry with or at...i guess its just another of my moody days...probably aggravated by the hot weather...even now...i'm sweating...never knew it was so hot at nite...
and now the worst thing is we doing differenciation on logarithms...now still got logn this and e to the power of x or whatever...my brain cells are dying...this is a good way to get Alzheimer's by 25...
nothing much to say...very bo song now...

2004-03-31T21:40:00.000+08:00

sigh...so busy these few days that no time even to update...sec four life really different(and more tough) from sec 3...sec 3 slack almost everyday...now want to slack also cannot...haha...also now spend lots more money cuz i staying back almost everyday...remedials...CCAs...workshops...more remedials...
okiez...stop complaining about my life...good thing is that i'm now so busy that i dun have time to think about some things that i dun want to think about...good. also i sorta find it satisfying...though i afriad i stretch myself until i snap...hahaz...or maybe the teachers will do the stretching...
today quite good...JJ happy...panlaoshi happy...theseira happy...mr lim happy...seems like they all got some kinda raise or something...only thing is now we're on to dy/dx of logarithms! so hard...barely understand anything...only good thing is that i dun seem to be the only one having touble...looks like everyone around me also having difficulty...yes...even the maths ace sitting beside me...also cant find my physics file...have to spend 4 bucks to buy a new one...dunno where it went...
but anyway...the chapel topic for yesterday wasnt bad(the singing also!) i think the only answer i have to why God's love is so cool is cuz its what shields us from the blazing heat of Hell...suffering...for eternity! but other than that...nothing much that i can remember...so little sleep, so much homework and stress...good way to artificially induce Alzheimer's in us teenagers...yes, blame it all on the results-oriented education system!(you have my fullest support)
stopping here...tired...wanna sleep...if not parents will be shoving sleeping pills down my throat(i dun mind as long as they get the dosage right) strange thing is...the more tired i am, the harder it is to fall asleep...paradoxical...that's all for today...

2004-03-29T18:53:00.000+08:00

today really lousy day...got back my a mths and mr lim raving at us like a mad idiot. he wants the 80 questions tml and i can't find my physics notebook! besides, even if i start now i think i can finish...and still got ting xie and chem test tml...dunno how to get thru today and tml...so scared...sure will screw up ting xie...but at least i hope to salvage something from my chem...so sad today...still kenna a mths remedial...so there goes one more hour of my life per week...at least i hope to learn something from it...cant tok...too much to do...byez...maybe i put more tml...

2004-03-28T22:35:00.000+08:00

so thankful...so thankful...so thankful to my group members for bearing with me despite of my short temper...so thankful that we managed to finish the report...so thankful that i reached Guilin just in time for 2nd Half...so thankful that God has rebuked my for being too focused on my work...
i'm so happy yet sad that we've finally handed in the report...it's sorta been an obsession of mine(and that of a few others') for the past few days...juz wanna tell all my group members...it's been hard, we've had a couple of sleepless nites, walked a couple of kilometres, had lots of quarrels and shouting matches, but we've done it! somehow, somewhen, we've done it! now the only thing to do is to wait for the results...if there was some kind of prize for aesthetics, perharps, just perhaps, we might win it...
anyway...i really thank God that although i missed Foundation yesterday, it was mostly on self-reflection and less of teaching and discussion...just leave it to God's timing! so amusing really...i recall an incident when i and someone else went out for Outreach and we were late in getting back to the meeting place. when we reached a traffic crossing, the guy was red, so i asked my friend if we should disregard the rules...but somehow...God answered my question immediately after i asked(the man turned green)...timing, right? anyway, i considering to start a forum somewhere(any suggestions?) for everyone to share any amusing experiences with God...

2004-03-26T21:14:00.000+08:00

YES! i got 74/90 for my wordpower! topped the class! but sadly...i expected better...like today mr koh said about aiming high, so even if you miss...u still score well...very interesting...my geog test also quite good...10.5/15. overjoyed that my results finally seem to be getting better. my whole outlook on this year is starting to get brighter...maybe just that i'm too pessimistic...or so that PEAK thingy says...here i want to apologise to those who have gave in to me when i was stubborn, accomodated me when i was insistent, corrected me when i was wrong, and bore with me while i was throwing a tantrum...really want to thank you for bearing with me all this while...you've all been good friends, and i know that i can't just find good friends around every corner...it takes a special person to be a good friend and not all applicants get the job.
thanks all you who had helped or encouraged me in one way or another, through words, actions or just keeping quiet at the right time. in doing so you have truly embodied the essence of Hebrews 10:25.
here, i also want to encourage all Christians to continue to stick stubbornly to your faith. although God may seem to be far, remember that He will never let you go, whether it is through the storm, under the stars or in the sunshine. as you stick stubbornly to Him, as you seek and long for Him, He will come to you with the Holy Spirit and renew your mind and your heart(and He'll stick to you too).

2004-03-25T22:14:00.000+08:00

tired...ran all over singapore juz to get photos for geog...but i must say it was quite fun...and her camera is SO lousy...if u wanna see the proof juz tok to me on MSN and i will send u the pic...
anyway today again wasn't good...early morning already something bad happened...the rest of the day is history...sometimes i wonder why people like these exist...seem to have no purpose but to irritate me and make me angry...
but then again...maybe it's just that God has sprinkled these people all over the earth to test His children...then i guess i've just failed His test on grace...just blew up at a few people today...sorry. i know that these few weeks have been as tough on you as it has been on me...so i'm sorry for the CAPSLOCK that i've been using...
so sad...no inspirational messages to share with all my brothers and sisters who are under persecution...all i can say is not to abandon Him because even on the cross...even when God abandoned Him, Jesus will never abandon you...
stopping here...tired and still have lots of homework...i think if i sit on any horizontal surface i will fall asleep...

2004-03-24T20:07:00.000+08:00

quite happy today...nothing bad happened. got 28/34 for bio! and the word power test SO EASY. guess my head growing bigger and bigger.
anyway i wonder why i put sarcasm central as the URL...guess it's kind of a tribute to eric lee...the (in)famous er_specky. but i think this is the first time i've even mentioned him!
hmm....and today my maths seems quite good! all the maths jj taught i quite understand...
so sad....no QT again...thinking of posting my QT tots on this blog(provided i have my QT!). maybe it will inspire u guys
f4/3 ppl pls beware...yesterday during remedial she told us that she so angry with us that now she quite bo chup about our class...but sometimes she's not that bad also...juz that quite often we irritate her...but then...i must say she's quite fussy...
actually i realised today is similar to walking with God...sometimes everything seems to go bad while at other times everything seems to be impossibly right. today was probably one of those times when everything seemed impossibly right...i must say that i can't remember the previous time when i didn't blow up in school...seems like i need to learn to restrain myself. and dear brothers and sisters...i understand that right now God seems to be leading you through a desert...the future must seem desolate...bleak, like God is leading you nowhere.don't despair, don't give up, cuz even on the cross, Jesus never gave up on you. even when you sin(whether you know it or not) He doesn't give up...He doesn't say 'heck that ungrateful wretch' but rather He says ' it's ok'. but remember, at the end of that desert is the most beautiful place that u would have ever seen. if you've seen all His creations, this is even more beautiful. it may be a little ulu, but otherwise the evil one will just infest it like every other place on earth. keep close to Him when sin knocks on ur door, and dun lose heart, because in the end, u will go to a place where u will no longer be seperate from God - Heaven.

2004-03-24T00:39:00.000+08:00

chinese....got 38.5/100....dun dare to tell my parents. dunno why everything that i studied DIDN'T come out in the test....english wasn't bad, at least i passed my compre this time....
anyway, chapel was rather good today, especially the sharing on personal Quiet Time....didn't dare to raise my hand cuz i haven't had my own for a long, LONG time. feel so ashamed of myself suddenly. but then again, i dun think i have devoted a lot of time to even remembering Him. how much time do i spend with Him each week? not more than 5 or 6 hours, i guess...
and got so many deadlines...especially the tourism competition...she keep telling me to fake the survey results...but that's tantamount to lying. still, looking at my group members' schedules, i gotta admit...it's VERY tempting. good thing is, i remembered a verse that i wordkeeped. can't remember the exact ref., but it's 1 Cor 13:10 or Romans, not sure. remember that it sez that God won't tempt me beyond what i can bear...so i know that i can bear it if i really wanna obey Him...
i wonder if it's God's plan or what, but i seem to have a lot of brothers and sisters in Christ who face parental objection...juz remember that He hasn't given up on you, so dun give up on Him and the place that He is preparing for you!
heres a nice poem.....
Through The Trial

Sometimes in life it seems,
That we are praying through a wall,
but God is right there with us,
He will never leave us at all,

For it's in life's toughest hours,
When we don't feel like standing tall,
That's when God is closest to us,
He will see us through our trial.

by Mindy DeBord

2004-03-22T23:16:00.000+08:00

today...not good from the start...see Theseira's face already not happy. and then after that we forgot about the (censored) poster/brochure for SS or sado-sarcasm as it's affectionately known...so we get a perfect score for it. very fun. and then still got JJ's stupid test thats supposed to build up our confidence. the only good thing now is that my confidence in a mths can't go any lower...so no harm done...except waste my time...so many deadlines to meet, so little time...